Leadership pressures can be immense. You’re held accountable for things you can’t control. You’re an easy target when things go wrong. And of course you’re expected not to react emotionally: you’re supposed to be “on top of your game,” able to “roll with the punches,” no matter how sneaky or unwarranted the attacks may appear to be. Your reactions are likely to include emotion!
Emotions are a wonderful gift from God. They affect almost everything we do. They drive almost all decisions and communication, especially those that involve conflict. They make it easier (and/or harder) to see new options or to take (or avoid) risks that lead to major improvements.
Emotions can be dangerous. They can lead us to actions contrary to what God expects. They can reduce self control. They can blind us to what others want and need.
Because emotions show up on both the cost and benefit sides of the leadership ledger, they need to be channeled or managed. Our challenge is to use and enjoy them without letting them control us. If we don’t manage our emotions, they’ll manage us! If we maintain emotional control, we can avoid hostility and defensiveness or excessive adrenalin and exuberance. If we manage them patiently, with discipline, we’re more likely to come up with solutions we and others can accept.
Since emotions are always around, it is wise to look at three common ways leaders may convey or express emotion. Check to see how well they fit you and how well they fit into your school’s culture. Careful, though. There are significant traps hidden with two of them.
Pour it out!
If you feel it, show it! The 60s slogan – “let it all hang out!” – captures this option. If you’re angry, let it show. If you’re excited, let it permeate what you do. Display your feelings! Show them in muscle tension, narrowed or widened eyes, changes in voice patterns, or rapid breathing. I suspect you can come up with an example of this approach from your own reactions (or from an exchange or two with a board or staff member)!
A scholar who in the 70s had urged people to convey their feelings freely did a thorough review of psychology research studies on expressing anger. She found one consistent result from dumping feelings – there were even more feelings, and not all of them positive!
The bottom line should be obvious: this option, as appealing and satisfying as it may seem, is especially problematic when giving leadership. A helpful way to use this tactic is to add a request for “Time out!” That is, inform the other person that you’re developing strong feelings: “Jill, right now I’m getting more and more irritated!” Ask permission to stop the conversation now (don’t impose it). Be sure to set a time to pick it up again: “It would be wise if we held off until tomorrow to pick up it. Will that work for you?”
Convey feelings indirectly
Rather than express emotions, we can hide them but still let others know. We subtly or indirectly convey what we’re feeling. (After all, because we’re in leadership, people watch us closely so they’re especially likely to picking up on our signals.) “It’s a lousy day” sounds like a report about something outside us but the message we’re giving is, “I’m having a lousy day.” Or how we stand, sit, and move shows what we’re feeling. Or our voice’s pitch, rate, or intensity reveal what’s going on inside us.
This option may seem safe, but – frankly – it may be as dangerous as pouring out our feelings. In conflict situations, indirect emotions tend to aggravate others. They sense what we’re feeling but for the most part, can’t be sure. Our indirectness keeps them off balance, giving us an unfair advantage.
Report feelings
This tactic is simple, conceptually easy but it takes some practice and discipline to do it well. To report your feelings describe what you are experiencing. Just say, “I’m frustrated right. I can’t figure out a good solution,” or “This situation is difficult for me. I’m beginning to feel annoyed.” Describe your emotion as a reporter would an event. You need not pretend that you’re not having the feeling. Simply admit to yourself and others that you have the feeling.
Reporting feelings makes it easier for you and others to deal with feelings. There’s less chance that you or they will stoke the feelings or elicit them in others. You may also wish to combine reporting feelings with “Time out!” as described above. With some persons it may be wise to choose not to engage on a feeling level. But monitor the other’s response. If it is too costly, you may need to shift to other procedures.
Tags: Shared Leadership